CREATING A BOUNDARY-FILLED HOLIDAY SEASON
Busy times of year, such as the holidays, can put our boundaries to the test. When obligations and plans abound, we may find ourselves wanting to honor the new boundaries we’ve learned while simultaneously feeling pressure to overstep them for many different reasons. While the holiday season can be a challenge, it is possible to stand firm in your boundaries as a way of caring for yourself during this time of the year.
How can you practice boundaries in a practical way? Here are some tips to support you in successfully upholding your boundaries this holiday season!
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are intentional, clear guidelines that support us in experiencing comfort and relative safety in relationships through management of our own behavior. In other words, boundaries communicate to others what we plan to do in the face of different circumstances. Boundaries are the choices you as an individual make and communicate based on your desires, needs, feelings, and capacity. Boundaries don’t keep us out of relationships. Instead, they help facilitate healthy relationships that allow us to honor ourselves and our needs. For example, when we prioritize and communicate our limits and share about the choices we will make in the face of distress, this can help prevent experiences of resentment, people pleasing, avoidance, burnout, anxiety, and other less favorable outcomes.
Be clear about what your boundaries are!
Clarity is essential when building and expressing boundaries. Be as specific as possible about your boundaries to support you in upholding and expressing them. For example, if you know you will be entering an environment where your boundaries may be challenged, you may spend some time beforehand identifying what you are willing to do within the circumstances to support yourself and your needs.
If you have a time you want to leave a gathering, identify and communicate this ahead of time. Define what your plan will be if a difficult topic comes up and what you are willing to do if conflict arises. Having clarity about our boundaries allows us to respect ourselves and others simultaneously.
Acknowledge the feelings that come up around your boundaries.
Get clear about your values!
What is most important to you during this holiday season?
What do you want this time of the year to look like for you?
What do you need to prioritize in order to feel fulfilled during the holidays?
Our values inform our behaviors and choices, and in turn, our boundaries. For example, if you value your sleep health, this may help motivate you to leave an event on time, honor your own time boundary, and get home at a set time so that you get enough rest for the evening and next day. Upholding boundaries can support us in living a life in alignment with what we value and provide a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
A general “VALUES SORT” can be helpful in providing clarity about what you most value in order to use expression of boundaries to support you in being the most authentic version of yourself.
Identify and be honest with yourself about your needs!
It can be helpful to identify what your needs are so that you can know the boundaries you want to communicate.
Am I people pleasing or is this something I really want to do?
What do I need to feel fulfilled and respected?
What will allow me to be fully present both to myself and the people around me?
What helps me feel most connected to myself?
What allows me to feel settled in a relationship or particular setting?
Your needs are valid and are worth honoring!
Boundaries can challenge us to step into our power through honoring how we feel and asking for what we need. However, this can feel nerve wracking if we’re not used to it. Do you have self-care practices in place for honoring your feelings such as check-ins with a trusted other, attending therapy, or journaling? These practices and others may come in handy to use before, during or after communicating a new boundary.
Ask for support when you need it.
It’s okay to ask for support as communicating boundaries can be challenging. If you receive pushback on the boundaries you’ve set, it can be helpful to have the support of a partner, friend, or trusted other to confide in who can support you in standing firm in your choices. Let your supportive others know ahead of time how they can support you if a difficult conversation or triggering topic arise. For instance…
“Can I ask for your support around something? Sometimes, I have a really hard time when [topic] comes up and I tend to shut down. If this topic comes up while we’re at [future event], my plan is to excuse myself and step away from the conversation. If I get asked or interrogated further, I plan to let them know that I don’t feel comfortable engaging with the discussion surrounding this topic and will step away until I feel okay to return. I wanted to let you know ahead of time so that if this does happen, you know what’s going on for me. Would you feel comfortable supporting me in this choice if this happens by voicing your support for my choice to step away if I get verbal pushback or pressure from others?”
Engage with the resources you have and the people who are willing to honor your boundaries for support. You don’t have to do this all alone.
What boundaries feel less daunting? See if you can get some practice with these boundaries to support potentially more difficult ones in the future. Maybe there are some relationships where it feels easier to express your needs and communicate your boundaries, and you can practice upholding your boundaries in these relationships before stepping into more difficult spaces where pushback is more likely.
For instance, in a relationship with a close friend, you can let them know that you have a time-related boundary: “I need to leave by [time] today and want to let you before we get together so that we can plan accordingly.”
Perhaps a therapeutic setting feels more supportive for boundary setting practice, and you can practice with peers, therapists, and trusted others in these spaces. Practice saying no, exploring choices for if and when you receive pushback on your boundaries (because you will), and communicating your boundaries with trusted others
Engage with self-compassion
You’re learning, and it’s okay to make mistakes. These can be brilliant opportunities to explore where more practice, exploration, or therapeutic support is needed. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, especially when your boundaries challenge the status quo of what is expected of you in your relationships. It’s important to remember that, in reality, boundaries are an expression of compassion both for yourself and others.
Be flexible!
As the holiday season can be unpredictable, it’s also important to find space for flexibility as we set and express our boundaries. Explore and identify where you can be adaptable while still honoring your needs.
For example, if asked to bring something additional to a gathering, you might share, “I am only able to bring what I originally planned to provide this time, but I would be happy to bring something else additional next time.”
Another example of flexibility can look like “I can stay an extra half hour to help you clean up, but after that I will need to get going.” There is certainly a balance to strike between.
Find a framework that works for you.
There is no one perfect way to communicate boundaries. However, there are some brilliant tools that already exist out there to support us in communicating our boundaries.
It’s normal to experience discomfort when expressing your boundaries for the first time. Maybe you feel guilty, fearful of disappointing others, or fearful of pushback when you share your boundaries. Your feelings matter and it’s important to not allow them to derail your plans to communicate and follow through on a boundary.
Cultivate new traditions that honor your needs and feelings
Practice boundary setting when you can!
Try this DEAR MAN tool for effective, assertive communication.
If you struggle with boundary setting, know you are not alone. It is important to practice! This is especially true if boundaries are something new to you. Practice brings progress! Happy boundary setting!
Author Christina Indriolo (she/her), is a licensed professional clinical counselor practicing in MO and OH. Christina’s work focuses on somatic-based trauma healing. If you’re interested in working with Christina, you can reach her at christina.indriolo@gmail.com or 636-492-1104.